Dear Maasi: Will my daughter ever forgive me?
Dear Maasi is a column about everything you wanted to know about sex and relationships but were afraid to ask! It’s a partnership between Sahiyo and WeSpeakOut, and is for all of us who have questions about khatna (FGM/C) and how it impacts our bodies, minds, sexualities and relationships. We welcome you to submit your anonymous questions. Dear Maasi, My daughter recently read an article about khatna and raised the conversation with me. I am against the practice now, but back then, I didn’t realize how harmful it could be and I am ashamed that I allowed elder relatives to pressure me into getting it done to her. My daughter is angry with me, and I’ve tried to explain things to her, but I don’t think it helped. How can we bridge the gap that’s between us now? Will she ever forgive me? –Nafeesa Dear Nafeesa, Thanks for this heartfelt question. I imagine, with the recent increase in awareness about FGM/C, that more of these kinds of discussions are happening amongst family members. And I bet many of them feel complicated. It’s common for those who have undergone FGM/C to experience a range of emotions when they first come to terms with the reality of it all. It’s also normal to feel anger, betrayal, sadness, grief, and confusion. You didn’t disclose this in your question, but I’m guessing that because FGM/C is an intergenerational trauma, that you, too, have undergone it? If so, you might be grappling with some of these feelings yourself. Everyone is different, but here’s what I would have liked to hear from the elder relatives in my family who were responsible: -An acknowledgement of the harmful nature of the practice -A true apology for causing this harm -A commitment to never do it again, and a commitment to talking to others in the family to correct misinformation and to prevent it from happening to others -After hearing the above, I’d be open to hearing explanations, as long as these are not excuses to minimize their culpability How about you, Nafeesa? What might you have liked to hear from your elders? You, too, deserve an acknowledgement, an apology and a commitment to do better. In terms of how to talk with your daughter, I suggest the following steps: -Ask her if she would be willing to set a time to talk with you. This ensures her consent, and also helps you both to prepare for a calm conversation. -If she declines, respect her wishes and invite her to come to you in the future if she would like to continue the conversation. -You can also ask if she’d like to talk in the presence of a mutual loved one, or a family counsellor who can help you to slow down the conversation and help you hear one another. -If she agrees, ask her if she would be willing to listen to your apology and then offer it (see steps in the above section). Avoid getting defensive as you listen to her reactions. A question for you, Nafeesa: have you forgiven yourself? If not, consider that few of us were talking openly about khatna until this last decade, and there wasn’t much information available about its harms. Most people who continue the practice do it because they feel they are doing what is religiously correct, and given a lack of substantive sex education, most don’t understand the myths (for example, the myth that cutting the clitoral hood is harmless and makes girls sexually “pure”). Perhaps you deserve to forgive yourself now that you know differently. Nafeesa, you are not alone, and I hope that you’ll be able to build understanding with your daughter in time. Healing from the harm of khatna is our birthright! —Maasi About Maasi, aka Farzana Doctor: Farzana is a novelist and psychotherapist in private practice. She’s a founding member of WeSpeakOut and the End FGM/C Canada Network. She loves talking about relationships and sexuality! Find out more about her at www.farzanadoctor.com Disclaimer: While Farzana is full of good advice, this column won’t address everyone’s individual concerns and should not be used as a substitute for professional medical or psychological care.
Sahiyo staff spotlight: Programs assistant Meg Sinnott
Meg recently finished her Bachelor’s degree in Sociology and Social Policy at Trinity College Dublin, in Ireland. As a first-generation immigrant born in Switzerland, she has developed a love for learning about different cultures which has led her to become an advocate for the empowerment of minority groups. During her time at college, Meg was an avid member of the Gender Equality Society and coordinated events for the entire university over the course of International Women’s Week, including a panel discussion about FGC with the Afro-Caribbean Society. She recently moved to Colorado with her dog Ruby and looks forward to supporting and expanding Sahiyo’s various programs. What was your experience of learning about female genital cutting (FGC) for the first time? Interestingly, I must have learned about FGC so long ago that I do not have a specific memory tied to hearing about it for the first time. I think this may be for two reasons. Firstly, in my experience growing up as a woman, gender-based violence was not something that my mother sat down and told me about; instead, it trickled into my subconscious through microaggressions, news stories, and personal experiences. Secondly, as a White Atheist living in Europe, I struggled to understand religiously-rooted gender-based violence. My reaction to learning about FGC was similar to when I learned about women wearing the Burqa from a Western liberal perspective: I saw it only as a way to control women. Due to the inherent racism in framing this issue in such a manner, I was only aware of the existence of Type III FGC and thought that FGC only happened in African countries. Unfortunately, as a result of this belief, I only became aware of the extent and impact of FGC over the last few years, when I learned more about the practice at university. The first time I can remember learning about FGC in a way that opened my eyes to the violence and scale of the practice was at an event in which women who were cut or were indirectly impacted by FGC spoke about their experiences. This was eye-opening for me because I have always had the privilege of thinking about the impact of FGC in terms of statistics, rather than something that happens to women in real life. Hearing the speakers’ personal stories shocked me into understanding the reality of FGC. It is not to say that I had no feelings of sisterhood with women affected by FGC, but through storytelling, I could picture myself as a member of a community practicing FGC in a way that I could not previously. Before, I was afraid to offend those in communities that practice FGC by imposing my White and Atheist viewpoints on them. Listening to women in those same communities condemn the practice showed me that this issue was not one of culture but gender-based violence, control, and child abuse. This realization is what began my path to advocating against FGC. When and how did you first get involved with Sahiyo? I first got involved with Sahiyo in March of this year as a staff member. I had just moved back to the United States after graduating from Trinity College in Dublin when I learned about Sahiyo and the valuable work of the team and community against FGC. Throughout my degree in Sociology and Social Policy, I studied women’s issues and knew that I wanted to work to end gender-based violence in any way I could. Since childhood, I have been a writer and storyteller, so Sahiyo’s use of storytelling as activism was compelling. Watching the first few videos on Sahiyo’s YouTube channel of survivors sharing stories crafted through the Voices to End FGM/C Digital Storytelling program had a profound impact on me. Personally, I knew when I graduated that I was looking to join a team that cared about each other and their work. I have definitely found this to be the case working with my team members at Sahiyo! What does your work with Sahiyo involve? I am the Programs Assistant at Sahiyo, so my role is to provide administrative, development, and organizational support to the Programs Team on Sahiyo’s numerous programs and projects. Something that I am currently working on that excites me is our latest research project, Critical Intersections, which is in its beginning stages. In my eyes, social research is another form of storytelling. Developing a methodology and survey instrument to acquire data that can help mobilize activists and changemakers is important work that I am proud to be a part of. How has your involvement with Sahiyo impacted your life? My involvement with Sahiyo has broadened my perspective on FGC and has also made me a better activist. It is inspiring to work alongside a global network of female activists. Aside from my life being positively impacted by having amazing co-workers, I think of issues from a more intersectional perspective. I was shocked when I found several connections to FGC in my personal life and as a result, I have been making an effort to consider the intersections of identities and the human rights issues that I advocate for. What words of wisdom would you like to share with others who may be interested in supporting Sahiyo and the movement against FGC? I would like to share with others that anyone can support Sahiyo and the movement against FGC. You do not need to be a member of the FGC practicing community or a survivor to get involved and make a positive impact; simply having a conversation about FGC with people in your life spreads awareness about the issue and helps to create change. Sahiyo has many fantastic resources to help guide conversations around FGC. In my experience, the more I learned about Sahiyo’s mission and values the more I became interested and involved with all of the programs.