Dear Maasi: How can I stop the trauma of FGM/C from popping into my mind?
Dear Maasi is a column about everything you wanted to know about sex and relationships but were afraid to ask! It’s a partnership between Sahiyo and WeSpeakOut, and is for all of us who have questions about khatna (female genital mutilation/cutting or FGM/C) and how it impacts our bodies, minds, sexualities and relationships. We welcome you to submit your anonymous questions. Dear Maasi, Although I’ve emotionally resolved much about the FGM/C trauma through therapy, there are times when it pops into my mind in an unexpected way, for example, the odd time when I’m urinating. It might be a depressing thought, or a prickly pain down there. At these moments, I feel awful and sad, and angry that FGM/C can still intrude upon my life. How can I stop it? —Mariam Dear Mariam, Thank you for this important question. Sometimes our FGM/C trauma and their triggers can feel difficult to understand. In my April 2021 column, I talked about this: “Trauma memories are often implicit, because trauma floods our brain with cortisol, the stress hormone, which shuts down the part of our brain that encodes memories and makes them explicit. Our implicit memories can be like invisible forces in our lives, impacting us in powerful ways.” (https://www.psychalive.org/making-sense-of-implicit-memories/) These “invisible forces” show up in the ways you’ve described, in those seemingly random moments when you’re not expecting them to. Trauma impacts both our mind and body and can keep our nervous systems on alert for perceived threats, even when there is no actual threat present. Frustrating right? I am not sure that we can stop it, but we can lessen the suffering. One powerful strategy is mindfulness, which originated in eastern and Buddhist philosophy and uses moment-to-moment awareness to cope and reduce distress. Mindfulness has helped me when I have uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, or bodily experiences. For example, when I feel discomfort in my genitals, I have learned (with a therapist’s help, reading, and lots of practice) to respond to it as a neutral sensation. The goal is to acknowledge the sensation without reacting negatively. How we respond and talk to ourselves matters. -I might say “Oh! There’s that sensation in my vulva” or “Oh! There’s that memory” versus “Oh! There’s that awful/weird/unpleasant pain” or “Oh! There’s that horrible memory that will never go away”. -I’ll then breathe into the sensation or memory, and send love to my body or mind. When I first tried this exercise, it didn’t work immediately, or feel believable; in time, with lots of repetition, it started to work. This is because the repetitive practice builds new neural networks that allow us to have new responses. One way to remember to practice is to post a picture or words that will help you remember. Mariam, in your case, you could post this reminder in the bathroom, right across from the toilet. Hope this helps, Mariam. And as always, remember that sexual pleasure and healing is our birthright! —Maasi About Maasi, aka Farzana Doctor: Farzana is a novelist and psychotherapist in private practice. She’s a founding member of WeSpeakOut and the End FGM/C Canada Network. She loves talking about relationships and sexuality! Find out more about her at http://www.farzanadoctor.com Disclaimer: While Farzana is full of good advice, this column won’t address everyone’s individual concerns and should not be used as a substitute for professional medical or psychological care.
Dear Maasi: Why it is that women who have gone through FGM/C continue to do it to their young ones?
Dear Maasi is a column about everything you wanted to know about sex and relationships but were afraid to ask! It’s a partnership between Sahiyo and WeSpeakOut, and is for all of us who have questions about khatna (female genital mutilation/cutting or FGM/C) and how it impacts our bodies, minds, sexualities, and relationships. We welcome you to submit your anonymous questions. Dear Maasi, I am a man, and I have a few questions about FGM/C. I am wondering why it is that women who have gone through FGM/C continue to do it to their young ones? — Anonymous Dear Anonymous, Thank you for this question—it’s so important that men engage in these conversations too. It does sound counterintuitive that someone who has experienced FGM/C would wish to inflict it on their kids. But this issue is complex. The writer and activist Mona Eltahawy asserts that “women are the foot soldiers of the patriarchy.” This means that while the men hold the power and make the rules, women are required to enforce them, consciously and unconsciously. Women often participate in patriarchy to remain safely within the bounds of community expectations and to resist the risk of being ostracized or outcast. Leyla Hussein, a survivor, activist, and psychotherapist, challenges people to think about the ways that men quietly but directly support the practice, financially and morally. Maybe it’s not all on the women? I also think that to perpetuate FGM/C, the survivor must believe that FGM/C doesn’t cause harm. This belief is maintained by: Not being able or willing to challenge or disobey religious/cultural leaders who spread myths that FGM/C is required, harmless, or beneficial. The secretive, taboo nature of this social norm means that it’s hard to talk about it, let alone question its harm. A lack of sexual education. This results in poor knowledge about sexual pleasure and function. It also helps to maintain toxic and patriarchal notions about sexuality and gender norms. The traumatic and gaslighting nature of FGM/C may result in survivors doubting their own experience and/or not remembering some or all the details. Another aspect of the trauma is that some survivors might not want to question FGM/C’s psychosexual harms, because it means facing a Pandora’s box they are not ready to open. Instead, they may steadfastly refuse to acknowledge the harm and opt to stay in denial of both their own and others’ pain. Silence maintains the status quo. Thankfully, we’re getting louder! Sahiyo, WeSpeakOut, and other survivor-led groups raise awareness and create spaces for storytelling and dialogue. And there is a group for male allies who would like to help end FGM/C – Bhaiyo – which I hope you’ll tell your friends about. Anonymous, I hope that clears up some of your confusion. Stay tuned for answers to your other questions, which I’ll get to in the coming months. And as always, remember that sexual pleasure is our birthright! —Maasi About Maasi, aka Farzana Doctor:Farzana is a novelist and psychotherapist in private practice. She’s a founding member of WeSpeakOut and the End FGM/C Canada Network. She loves talking about relationships and sexuality! Find out more about her at http://www.farzanadoctor.com Disclaimer:While Farzana is full of good advice, this column won’t address everyone’s individual concerns and should not be used as a substitute for professional medical or psychological care.
Dear Maasi addresses pain and pleasure
Dear Maasi is a column about everything you wanted to know about sex and relationships but were afraid to ask! It’s a partnership between Sahiyo and WeSpeakOut, and is for all of us who have questions about khatna (FGM/C) and how it impacts our bodies, minds, sexualities and relationships. We welcome you to submit your anonymous questions. Dear Maasi, My question has to do with sex. Will it hurt more the first time for someone who has experienced khatna? And are orgasms possible for khatna survivors? –Anonymous Dear Anonymous, Thanks for these important questions. We don’t talk about sex enough! I can tell you that those who have experienced khatna can absolutely have orgasms. We all have a variety of responses to sex, both in terms of pain and pleasure. These responses are influenced by the emotional and physical trauma of khatna. Have a look at some of my past columns that talk about sexual pleasure, pain, shame, and trauma. You can find the entire list here. Our sexual responses can also be affected by our beliefs about sexuality, our past sexual experiences (alone or with our partners), and by our relationships with partners. You’ll only know what your own experience is by exploring your sexuality. Many of us grow up without good sex education and have absorbed harmful and incorrect information and myths about sex. We grow up equating “the first time” with “losing our virginity”, a concept that has been challenged by feminists as a damaging social construct. Anonymous, it’s worth thinking about what you mean by “the first time”. Is it masturbation? Penetration with a penis? Oral sex from a partner? I encourage all of us to rethink “the first time”, and sexuality in general, as something we explore on our own first. Read books about sexuality. Listen to sex ed podcasts. Follow sex sex therapists on Instagramon Instagram. Debunk myths about Islam and sexuality. Use a mirror to admire your whole body, including your genitalia. Notice what your find arousing and who you might be attracted to. When it comes time to sharing sexuality with another person, you’ll be more informed and able to communicate your desires and needs. You’ll be able to pause if something doesn’t feel right or is painful. Which will make the whole experience more fun. If you do experience pain, seek out a medical professional who has competence in sexuality so you can understand what might be causing it. Anonymous, I hope that helps. Sexual pleasure is our birthright! —Maasi About Maasi, aka Farzana Doctor: Farzana is a novelist and psychotherapist in private practice. She’s a founding member of WeSpeakOut and the End FGM/C Canada Network. She loves talking about relationships and sexuality! Find out more about her at www.farzanadoctor.com Disclaimer: While Farzana is full of good advice, this column won’t address everyone’s individual concerns and should not be used as a substitute for professional medical or psychological care.
Dear Maasi: “Should I confront the person responsible for my khatna (FGM/C)?”
Dear Maasi is a column about everything you wanted to know about sex and relationships but were afraid to ask! It’s a partnership between Sahiyo and WeSpeakOut, and is for all of us who have questions about khatna (FGM/C) and how it impacts our bodies, minds, sexualities and relationships. We welcome you to submit your anonymous questions. Dear Maasi, Over the last year, I’ve been thinking a lot about khatna (FGM/C) and confronting my mother about it. We’re not very close (emotionally or geographically), but I do visit a few times a year, and she’s a terrific grandmother to my kids. We’ve never talked about khatna, so I have no idea about her current stance on it. I’m nervous that raising the topic will strain our relationship. But to be honest, every time I see her, I have an urge to ask her about it and I have a feeling it could help my own healing. Should I do it? –Naz Dear Naz, Thanks for this important question. In my last column, I offered advice to a mother who took her daughter for khatna (see Dear Maasi: Will My Daughter Ever Forgive Me?). She was in almost the opposite position as you. Talking about FGM/C with your mother could be fruitful and healing for you both. But keep in mind that a good outcome depends on whether you and your mother are ready and open for the conversation. I also want you know that having this difficult conversation is not required for healing. Everyone’s healing journey is different. In my case, healing came from writing and from leaning on a therapist, friends and my partner. I’ve never talked to the relative who was responsible for the khatna because we are not close. I no longer feel anger toward her, and while she hasn’t earned my forgiveness, I can feel compassion for her experience. But again, that’s me. Renée Bergstrom, an FGM/C survivor and activist from the U.S., had a different experience. Here’s what she told me about speaking to her mother: “I did not tell her about my difficulty giving birth or other problems until she was 96-years-old. I realized then that I had not forgiven her so I wrote a letter giving the details of what I had endured and she apologized by letter. She lived to be 101 and we were at peace as I sat by her bedside. She was free of guilt and I of resentment.” Here are some things to consider before beginning this process: #1 Rather than framing this as a “confrontation,” think of this as a conversation that requires some preparation. #2 What do you hope will happen? For example, are you seeking an apology? Closeness? More information? Are these outcomes likely with your mother? #3 How dysregulated/triggered do you feel when you think or talk about FGM/C? Ideally, you’d want to remain grounded. Consider doing “practice” conversations with supportive family, friends or professionals to check in about this. Try the Mumkin app if you need more practice. #4 These practice conversations might offer insights about how to begin in a calm, exploratory way. You might also learn what information you wish to share, and what you don’t want to disclose. #5 Some survivors can feel re-traumatized by a negative or defensive response. How might you feel if she: -Denies it happened? -Is pro-FGM/C? -Minimizes your concerns or says you are overreacting? -Gets angry with you for raising the conversation? #6 What support can you have in place if the conversation upsets you? One last note: FGM/C is an intergenerational trauma, so it’s likely that your mother experienced it too and might have her own unresolved trauma. Going in calmly and slowly is especially important given this. Naz, the bottom line is that there is no simple answer here. If you do have this conversation, may it go well for you and your mother. Healing from the harm of khatna is our birthright! —Maasi About Maasi, aka Farzana Doctor: Farzana is a novelist and psychotherapist in private practice. She’s a founding member of WeSpeakOut and the End FGM/C Canada Network. She loves talking about relationships and sexuality! Find out more about her at www.farzanadoctor.com Disclaimer: While Farzana is full of good advice, this column won’t address everyone’s individual concerns and should not be used as a substitute for professional medical or psychological care. For more resources on this subject, consider watching some Voices to End FGM/C videos (Convincing, Forgiveness, A Daughter, Conversations With My Mother), or contacting the support line for FGM/C survivors.
Sahiyo Discusses: You Still Look the Same, a discussion with Farzana Doctor
In our latest Sahiyo Discusses event, which took place on September 21st, we were joined by Farzana Doctor, to discuss her newly released poetry book, You Still Look the Same. A profoundly moving collection of poems, Farzana explores multiple themes and includes a section on being a survivor of female genital cutting (FGC). At the event itself we listened to her poetry, which was subsequently followed by a discussion and questions for Farzana, focusing on methods for healing grief and trauma, alongside her process for writing such personal insights into her life. Farzana is a writer, activist and psychotherapist, currently volunteering with WeSpeakOut, a global group that works to end FGC in her community and also writes for Sahiyo’s Dear Maasi, a sex and relationships column on Sahiyo’s blog for FGC survivors. Evident in her ‘agony aunt’ style responses, as well as her poetry, Farzana is not afraid to shine light on difficult and painful topics: the pain of heart break and dating at middle-age, cultural and familial responses to her same sex relationship, and misogyny and racism that has followed her from childhood. Though heart-wrenching and emotionally stirring, Farzana’s voice also rings with humour and strength, holding the ability to switch between light-hearted anecdotes about online dating and a fiery condemnation of those who stand by and silently watch FGC take place. Sahiyo believes storytelling to be an important part of the work to end FGC, simultaneously uplifting survivors’ experiences to give them a voice while increasing awareness and conversations around the practice to end it. Farzana’s writing is a brilliant example of this, and we thank her for joining Sahiyo Discusses and giving us the opportunity to talk with her about her work and experiences. Thank you to everyone who came and donated. Follow these links if you are still interested in donating to Sahiyo or reading Farzana’s poetry collection.
Dear Maasi: Will my daughter ever forgive me?
Dear Maasi is a column about everything you wanted to know about sex and relationships but were afraid to ask! It’s a partnership between Sahiyo and WeSpeakOut, and is for all of us who have questions about khatna (FGM/C) and how it impacts our bodies, minds, sexualities and relationships. We welcome you to submit your anonymous questions. Dear Maasi, My daughter recently read an article about khatna and raised the conversation with me. I am against the practice now, but back then, I didn’t realize how harmful it could be and I am ashamed that I allowed elder relatives to pressure me into getting it done to her. My daughter is angry with me, and I’ve tried to explain things to her, but I don’t think it helped. How can we bridge the gap that’s between us now? Will she ever forgive me? –Nafeesa Dear Nafeesa, Thanks for this heartfelt question. I imagine, with the recent increase in awareness about FGM/C, that more of these kinds of discussions are happening amongst family members. And I bet many of them feel complicated. It’s common for those who have undergone FGM/C to experience a range of emotions when they first come to terms with the reality of it all. It’s also normal to feel anger, betrayal, sadness, grief, and confusion. You didn’t disclose this in your question, but I’m guessing that because FGM/C is an intergenerational trauma, that you, too, have undergone it? If so, you might be grappling with some of these feelings yourself. Everyone is different, but here’s what I would have liked to hear from the elder relatives in my family who were responsible: -An acknowledgement of the harmful nature of the practice -A true apology for causing this harm -A commitment to never do it again, and a commitment to talking to others in the family to correct misinformation and to prevent it from happening to others -After hearing the above, I’d be open to hearing explanations, as long as these are not excuses to minimize their culpability How about you, Nafeesa? What might you have liked to hear from your elders? You, too, deserve an acknowledgement, an apology and a commitment to do better. In terms of how to talk with your daughter, I suggest the following steps: -Ask her if she would be willing to set a time to talk with you. This ensures her consent, and also helps you both to prepare for a calm conversation. -If she declines, respect her wishes and invite her to come to you in the future if she would like to continue the conversation. -You can also ask if she’d like to talk in the presence of a mutual loved one, or a family counsellor who can help you to slow down the conversation and help you hear one another. -If she agrees, ask her if she would be willing to listen to your apology and then offer it (see steps in the above section). Avoid getting defensive as you listen to her reactions. A question for you, Nafeesa: have you forgiven yourself? If not, consider that few of us were talking openly about khatna until this last decade, and there wasn’t much information available about its harms. Most people who continue the practice do it because they feel they are doing what is religiously correct, and given a lack of substantive sex education, most don’t understand the myths (for example, the myth that cutting the clitoral hood is harmless and makes girls sexually “pure”). Perhaps you deserve to forgive yourself now that you know differently. Nafeesa, you are not alone, and I hope that you’ll be able to build understanding with your daughter in time. Healing from the harm of khatna is our birthright! —Maasi About Maasi, aka Farzana Doctor: Farzana is a novelist and psychotherapist in private practice. She’s a founding member of WeSpeakOut and the End FGM/C Canada Network. She loves talking about relationships and sexuality! Find out more about her at www.farzanadoctor.com Disclaimer: While Farzana is full of good advice, this column won’t address everyone’s individual concerns and should not be used as a substitute for professional medical or psychological care.
डियर मासी: खतना के खिलाफ बोलने से क्या निजी ज़िन्दगी पे असर हो सकता है?
डियर मासी एक ऐसा कॉलम है, जिसमें सेक्स और रिश्तों के बारे में वह सब कुछ बताया गया है जो आप जानना तो चाहते हैं, लेकिन पूछने से डरते हैं! यह सहियो और वी स्पीक आउट इन दो संगठनों ने मिलकर बनाया है। यह कॉलम उन लोगों के लिए है जिन्हें महिला जननांग काटने या खतना के बारे में सवाल है। यह कॉलम ख़तना कैसे हमारे शरीर, दिल, दिमाग, लैंगिकता और रिश्तों पर असर करता है इसके बारे में भी बात करता हैं। बोहरा समाज के सन्दर्भ में, माँ की बहन मासी हैं। आपके सवालों का हम स्वागत करते हैं। अपने सवाल बेझिझक यहाँ पर भेजिए। अपनी पेहचान गुप्त भी रख सक्ते हैं| प्यारी मासी, अगर आप महिला जननांग विकृति (एफ.जी.एम./सी.) पर बोलने वाली एक जानीमानी हस्ती है तब इतने गहरे व्यक्तिगत मुद्दे से जुड़ी हुई आपकी पहचान के साथ आप कैसे प्रबंधित करते हैं? यह खास कर ऑनलाइन डेटिंग की दुनिया में मुश्किल है। — गुमनाम प्यारी गुमनाम, यह एक बहुत ही बढ़िया सवाल है। जो सरवाईवर्स अवामी दायरे में “बाहर” आए हैं उन्हें इन हालात से जूझना पड़ा है। अवामी दायरे में आकर खुलकर बात करना या नहीं करना यह हरेक का निजी फैसला होता है। सभी को उनके लिए जो फ़ैसला थीक लगे वही करना चाहीए| हम एफ.जी.एम./सी. सरवाईवर्स के बारे में लोग बहुत सी बातें मान कर चलते हैं, है ना? यह इतना बदनाम मसला है कि लोग यह नहीं समझते कि हम एक जैसे नहीं हैं। हमारी याददाश्त अलग हैं। हमारे लक्षण अलग-अलग हैं। हमारे यौन कार्य अलग-अलग हैं। हमारे घरवालों और बिरादरियों के साथ हमारी अलग-अलग मजहबी मान्यताएं और संबंध हैं। दूसरे शब्दों में, आप किसी एफ.जी.एम./सी. सरवाईवर के बारे में कुछ भी मान कर नहीं चल सकते। और फिर भी लोग ऐसा करते हैं। ये धारणाएं शर्मिंदगी पैदा करती हैं और पूरी तरह से गलत हो सकती हैं। असली सदमे के वक्त हम में से बहुत सी लड़कियों को बताया गया कि, “यह कुछ भी नहीं है; रोना मत,” और “यह एक राज है; किसी को बताना मत।” इसलिए, एफ.जी.एम./सी. कैसे नुकसानदेह है, इस बारे में आवामी तौर पर बात करना गलत या शर्मनाक महसूस हो सकता है। तब हम बच्चे थे और हम शायद यह नहीं समझ सके कि हमारे जिस्म के साथ क्या हो रहा है। किसी सदमे से मुकाबला करने के लिए बच्चे भरोसेमंद बड़े-बूढों के बजाय खुद को कसूरवार ठहराते हैं। यह हमारा कसूर है, यह सोच शर्मिंदगी पैदा करती है। तो यहीं कहना है कि एफ.जी.एम./सी. हमें बहुत शर्मसार कर सकता है। इस पर थोड़ी देर बाद बात करेंगे। मैं 2015 से एक कार्यकर्ता हूँ, लेकिन मैं खुलकर सबके सामने आने को लेकर बहुत डरी हुई थी। अपने सरवाईवर अनुभवों पर खुलकर चर्चा कर सकने वाली अपनी कार्यकर्ता बहनों की तारीफ और हसरत करती थी। जबकि वे सबसे बेहतरीन रोल मॉडल और मददगार थे, मैं उनके मिसालों पर अमल नहीं कर सकी। जब भी मैंने ऐसी कोशिश की, तो मैं खुद से जुदा, थकी हुई और बीमार महसूस करती। मैं समझ गयी कि मेरा जिस्म मुझे एक बड़ा “नहीं” का इशारा दे रहा है। मैं तैयार नहीं थी। समस्या यह थी कि मैं अपने बिरादरी में एफ.जी.एम./सी. के बारे में एक उपन्यास ख़त्म कर रही थी और मैं जानती थी कि मुझसे साहित्य-फेस्टिवल्स और मीडिया इंटरव्यू में उपन्यास के मुद्दों से मेरे व्यक्तिगत संबंध के बारे में पूछा जाएगा। मैंने डर तो महसूस किया, लेकिन उसके बावजूद, मुझे पता था कि मुझे अपनी परेशानियों से गुजरना है और तैयार होना है। लेकिन यह कोई आसान प्रक्रिया नहीं थी। मैंने वापस थेरेपी शुरू किया। मैंने मॉक इंटरव्यू किए जहाँ दोस्त-सहेलियों ने सबसे ज्यादा दखलअंदाजी करने वाले सवाल पूछे और मुझे अपनी हदें तय करनी थीं और जवाब कैसे देना है इस बात का फैसला करना था। सरवाईवर होने का मतलब क्या है इसके लिए मुझे अपने खुद के विश्वासों और रूढ़ियों को चुनौती देनी पड़ी। मैंने ‘सेवेन थिंग्स नॉट टू आस्क ए ख़तना सर्वाइवर’, खुद के लिए और अपने दोस्तों और पाठकों – दोनों के लिए लिखा। फिर भी मैं नर्वस थी। और फिर मेरे किताबी सफ़र की शुरुआत में कुछ अनपेक्षित हुआ। मुझे डर नहीं लगा। मेरा जिस्म अवामी तौर पर खुलकर बोलने के लिए हाँ कहने लगा। मैंने अपने रास्ते में आने वाले सवालों को अवसरों के रूप में देखा, दखलंदाजी के रूप में नहीं। मैंने तीन महीने पहले इसके बारे में बात करना शुरू किया था, तब से मैंने बात करना छोड़ा नहीं हैं। और मैं ठीक हूँ। सबसे अच्छी बात यह है कि मैंने शर्मिंदगी से आज़ाद महसूस किया है। मैं यह कहना चाहती हूँ कि लोग मेरे बारे में कल्पनाएँ करते रहेंगे। और शायद जिंदगी भर के लिए खतना/एफ.जी.एम./सी. को मेरी पहचान के साथ जोड़ेंगे। लेकिन मुझे इसके बारे में कोई शर्म नहीं है, इसलिए मुझे अब परवाह भी नहीं है। मुझे लगता है कि हमारे किसी भी हाशिए की पहचान या अनुभव के साथ भी कुछ ऐसा ही होता है। जब हम किसी खास नस्ल वाले या औरत या मुस्लिम या मोटा या गरीब या विकलांग या भिन्न लैगिकता वाले या उम्र दराज या डिप्रेस या हमेशा बीमार रहने की अपनी आंतरिक शर्म को लेकर आगे आते है और उससे दो-चार होते हैं, तो हम खुद को आजाद कर देते हैं। शर्मिंदगी से आजादी की ओर बढ़ने के रास्ते हम में से हरेक के लिए अलग-अलग नजर आएँगे। इस ओर आगे बढ़ने का पहला कदम होगा कि आप जो शर्मिंदगी महसूस करते हैं, उसे मान लेना। आप खुद से यहाँ निचे दिए गए कुछ सवाल पूछिए (और ऐसा करते समय, अपने जस्बातों और अपने जिस्म के प्रतिभाव पर ध्यान दें): -एफ.जी.एम./सी. सरवाईवर्स के बारे में कौन से मिथक या धारणाएँ मौजूद हैं? उनकी लिस्ट बनाएँ। मैं, थोड़ा-सा भी क्यों न हो, कौनसे धारणाओं पर यकीन करती हूँ? -क्या मेरे गुप्तांगों को काटना शर्मनाक है? क्या मेरे गुप्तांग शर्मनाक हैं? किन मायनों में? -अगर कोई पड़ोसी या साथीदार या अजनबी जानते है कि मैं सरवाईवर हूँ तो मुझे कैसा महसूस होता है? अब हम ऑनलाइन डेटिंग पर आते है। किसी संभवित डेट के बारे में मालूमात करने के लिए उन्हें गुगल सर्च
Dear Maasi: Is there something wrong with me because I like this kind of sex?
Dear Maasi is a column about everything you wanted to know about sex and relationships but were afraid to ask! It’s a partnership between Sahiyo and WeSpeakOut, and is for all of us who have questions about khatna (FGM/C) and how it impacts our bodies, minds, sexualities and relationships. We welcome you to submit your anonymous questions. Dear Maasi, When I was younger and underwent khatna, I felt very powerless. Now, as an adult, I prefer sexual dynamics where someone else is dominant and I’m submissive. I worry that this is because of the trauma I experienced with khatna, and not because it’s what I like. Is there something wrong with me because I like this kind of sex? –Jameela Dear Jameela, This is a brave question, and one I’ve been asked many times. The sexual dynamics that you describe can be considered kink practices, which are often maligned and misunderstood despite being common and normal. Let’s start with some information about kink: -it’s an umbrella term for a range of erotic practices, some of which might play with power. Humans are playful and imaginative when it comes to sexual expression (hurray for that!). Here’s a list from the mainstream women’s magazine, Glamour. -BDSM (bondage-discipline, dominance-submission, and sadism-masochism) is one of the most common kinks. Jameela, your preferences lie in this category. -kink is consensual adult sexual behavior, and many participants negotiate communication norms before, during, and after for ongoing consent, and to ensure that partners are still having a good time. For readers curious to learn more, check out this BDSM primer. -it’s worth repeating that BDSM is very common! In a 2014 study of 1516 adults (published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine), 65% of women and 53% of men fantasized about being sexually dominated, and 47% of women and 60% of men fantasized about dominating someone else. Now to your questions, Jameela. Is a desire to be sexually submissive a result of trauma? Let’s look at where this idea comes from: Back in 1905, Freud labeled BDSM as an inappropriate repetition compulsion and this idea has hung on, aided and abetted by sex-negative social norms that stigmatize sexual pleasure. However, ideas about sexuality have evolved since 1905 (thank goodness!): The American Psychiatric Association destigmatized kink in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) in 2013 by making distinctions between consensual and non-consensual sexual behaviours. A 2021 study compared 771 BDSM practitioners and 518 non-practitioners (published in Sexuality Research and Social Policy) and found that that both groups had almost the same levels of childhood trauma. The authors firmly argue against the hypothesis of BDSM being a maladaptive coping mechanism in response to early life dynamics. Some trauma survivors do link BDSM to their healing, but this is not inappropriate. Rather, it can be liberatory. Here’s why: Khatna does happen in a context of our powerlessness. Trauma tramples our boundaries and teaches us that our bodies are a source of shame, overwhelm, lack of control and/or pain. When negotiation and communication are in place, a survivor can use kink and power play to learn and express boundaries, and to experience new pleasures. It can help a survivor to feel ownership over her own body and sexuality. In my novel Seven, I used two BDSM scenes to explore this idea. Sharifa, a khatna survivor, tends to dissociate or zone our when sexual. Her husband Murtuza introduces a blindfold and handcuffs, and she goes with it, not expecting that she will have profound realizations about why she hasn’t been able to “let go” and experience pleasure. Kink and power play can also just be fun! Regardless of whether someone has experienced trauma or not, this can be a wonderful way to play (and don’t all adults need more playfulness in their lives?), to escape the mundane, to broaden one’s sexual menu, to build intimacy and to explore aspects of the self. If you’d like to explore this question further with a professional, make sure to find one with training in sexual health. Here’s a resource about how to find a sex-positive therapist or counsellor. I hope this answers your question, Jameela. Sexual pleasure is our birthright! —Maasi About Maasi, aka Farzana Doctor: Farzana is a novelist and psychotherapist in private practice. She’s a founding member of WeSpeakOut and the End FGM/C Canada Network. She loves talking about relationships and sexuality! Find out more about her here. Disclaimer: While Farzana is full of good advice, this column won’t address everyone’s individual concerns and should not be used as a substitute for professional medical or psychological care.
डियर मासी: एक ट्रॉमा थेरेपिस्ट से बात करना क्यों ज़रूरी है
डियर मासी एक ऐसा कॉलम है, जिसमें सेक्स और रिश्तों के बारे में वह सब कुछ बताया गया है जो आप जानना तो चाहते हैं, लेकिन पूछने से डरते हैं! यह सहियो और वी स्पीक आउट इन दो संगठनों ने मिलकर बनाया है। यह कॉलम उन लोगों के लिए है जिन्हें महिला जननांग काटने या खतना के बारे में सवाल है। यह कॉलम ख़तना कैसे हमारे शरीर, दिल, दिमाग, लैंगिकता और रिश्तों पर असर करता है इसके बारे में भी बात करता हैं। बोहरा समाज के सन्दर्भ में, माँ की बहन मासी हैं। आपके सवालों का हम स्वागत करते हैं। अपने सवाल बेझिझक यहाँ पर भेजिए। अपनी पेहचान गुप्त भी रख सक्ते हैं| प्यारी मासी, मैं 26 साल की हूँ और मेरी जिंदगी में तीन गहरे रिश्ते रहे हैं (दो लड़के और हाल ही में एक औरत के साथ)। मुझे आत्मीयता पसंद है, लेकिन पेनीट्रेशन (किसी भी चीज के साथ) से अक्सर दर्द होता है। मैंने कभी-कभी सेक्स से पूरी तरह परहेज किया है और इससे मेरे रिश्तों में तनाव पैदा हुआ है। जब मैंने एक डॉक्टर को दिखाया तो उन्होंने कहा था कि सब कुछ सामान्य है। लेकिन सच कहूँ तो मैं वाकई असामान्य महसूस करती हूँ। मेरा खतना हुआ था और मैं सोच रही हूँ कि क्या इसका मुझ पर कोई असर पड़ा है। लेकिन मुझे कुछ समझ में नहीं आ रहा है क्योंकि उन्होंने मेरे भगशेफ छत्र (क्लिटोरल हुड) को काट दिया- उन्होंने मेरी योनि को नुकसान नहीं पहुँचाया, है ना? —डरी हुई फ़ातेमा प्यारी फ़ातेमा, सबसे पहले – मैं चाहती हूँ आप यह जान लें कि आप जिस बारे में बात कर रहीं हैं वह कोई गैर-मामूली चीज नहीं है बल्कि एक मामूली-सी बात है। पेनीट्रेटिव सेक्स से दर्द होने के बहुत से कारण है। हार्मोन के कारण सूखापन, योनि में संक्रमण, चोट, और श्रोणी सूजन की बीमारी, फाइब्रॉइड्स या एंडोमेट्रियोसिस जैसे हालात की वजहों से यह हो सकता है। दर्द के अन्य सामान्य कारण हैं – योनि का जकडन (पेनीट्रेशन पर योनि या श्रोणि तल की मांसपेशियों में ऐंठन या जकड़न होना) या वेस्टिबुलर वल्वाइटिस (योनि छेद के आसपास की नसों के आसपास सूजन)। इन्हें सदमे से जोड़ा जा सकता है। इस पर थोड़ा आगे और बात करेंगे। मेरा सुझाव है कि आप दूसरे डॉक्टर से भी राय लें। बहुत सारे डॉक्टर लैंगिकता के बारे में बात करने से झिझकते हैं, और ठीक से जांच नहीं करते है। किसी ऐसे डॉक्टर की तलाश करें जिन्हें यौन मुश्किलात पे काम करने का तजुर्बा हो। इस मुद्दे को गहराई से समझने के लिए आप बॉडी पॉडकास्ट के एपिसोड वन को सुनने की मैं सिफ़ारिश करती हूँ। जहाँ तक खतना और आपके दर्द के बारे में आपका सवाल है, तो खतना में योनि नहीं काटी जाती बल्कि भगशेफ छत्र (क्लिटरिअल हुड) और कभी-कभी भगशेफ (क्लिटरिस) को भी काटा जाता है। फिर भी, शोध से पता चला है कि यह काटने से लैंगिकता पर असर हो सकता है: 2017 में किए गए सहियो सर्वे में, 35% जवाबदाताओं ने बताया कि खतना से उनके यौन जीवन पर असर हुआ था और उनमें से 87% ने महसूस किया कि यह असर बुरा था। 2018 के वी स्पीक आउट स्टडी में, तक़रीबन 33% जवाबदाताओं ने ऐसा ही कहा। मैं उनके कुछ हवालों को पढ़ने की सिफ़ारिश करती हूँ जो दर्द, ट्रिगर और सदमे को बयां करते हैं (पन्ने- 47 से 60 तक)। पढ़ने पर यह आपके अनुभव जैसे लग सकते है। सदमा तकलीफ़देह घटना का नतीजा होता है। यह किसी बात का डटकर मुकाबला करने और तजुर्बे को समझने की हमारी क़ाबलियत पर असर डालता है। ज्यादातर सरवाईवर्स खतना को एक परेशान करने वाला, पेचीदा और दर्दनाक तजुर्बा बताते हैं। इसमें कभी-कभी इनकार, गैसलाइटिंग जैसी मनोवैज्ञानिक जोड़तोड़ या बड़े-बूढ़े, भरोसेमंद रिश्तेदारों का झूठ भी शामिल होता है। मैं कहूँगी कि खतना एक सदमा ही होता है और वह उसकी व्याख्या में बैठता है। हमारा दिमाग और जिस्म सदमे को इस तरह से पकड़कर रख सकते हैं जो कभी-कभी परोक्ष या पेचीदा लगता है। मेरा मतलब समझने के लिए इस कॉमिक पर एक नज़र डालें। अब मेरी समझ में आता है कि खतना से हमारे बाहरी गुप्तांग (वल्वा) और योनि में तनाव हो सकता है। खतना ने आप पर इस तरह से असर किया है या नहीं यह समझने के लिए किसी ऐसे थेरेपिस्ट से बात करें जो सदमे पे स्पेशलिस्ट हो । फ़ातेमा, आप यह जानें कि इससे वापिस सेहतमंद और ठीक होना मुमकिन है। आपको ख़ुशी से भरपूर यौन जिंदगी का हक़ है! —मासी मासी उर्फ फ़रज़ाना डॉक्टर के बारे में फ़रज़ाना एक उपन्यास लेखिका हैं और मनोचिकित्सक की प्राइवेट प्रैक्टिस करती हैं। वह WeSpeakOut और End FGM/C कनाडा नेटवर्क की संस्थापक सदस्य हैं। वह रिश्तों और लैंगिकता के बारे में बात करना पसंद करती है! www.farzanadoctor.com पर उनके बारे में और मालूमात करें। दाऊदी बोहरा समुदाय के बारे में औरतों के रिश्तों, लैंगिकता, बेवफाई और खतना पर चर्चा करने वाला उनका नया नावेल, सेवन ऑर्डर करें। अस्वीकरण: फ़रज़ाना अच्छी सलाह जरुर देती है, लेकिन यह कॉलम हर किसी के निजी सवालों पर बात नहीं करता है और इसे पेशेवर चिकित्सा या मनोवैज्ञानिक देखभाल के विकल्प के रूप में इस्तेमाल नहीं किया जाना चाहिए। Read the Gujarati translation here, and the English translation here.
પ્રિય માસી: એક ટ્રૉમા થેરાપિસ્ટ સાથે તમને વાત કરવાની જરૂર છે
પ્રિય માસી એ એક કોલમ છે, જે સેક્સ અને સંબંધ વિષેની એવી બધી બાબતો પર ભાર મૂકે છે, જેને પૂછવામાં તમને ડર લાગતો હોય! આ કોલમ સહિયો અને WeSpeakOut વચ્ચેની એક ભાગીદારી છે. તે આપણા બધા માટે છે, જેમને ફીમેલ જેનિટલ કટિંગ (એફ.જી.સી.) અથવા ખતના અને તેની આપણા શરીર, મન, સેક્સ્યુઆલિટી અને સંબંધો પર કેવી અસર પડે છે તે વિષે પ્રશ્નો હોય. બોહરીઓમાં, માસી એટલે તમારી મમ્મીની બહેન. અમે તમને અહિયાં તમારા પ્રશ્નો મોકલવા માટે આવકારીયે છીએ. જો તમને કોઇ સંકોચ થાય તો, મહેરબાની કરીને ઉપનામનો ઉપયોગ કરી શકો છો (તમારું સાચું નામ વાપર્યા વિના). પ્રિય માસી, હું 26 વર્ષની છું અને હું અત્યાર સુધી ત્રણ સંબંધોમાં રહી છું (બે મરદ અને હાલમાં એક મહિલા સાથે). મને ગાઢ સંબંધ પસંદ છે, પરંતુ ઘણીવાર પેનિટ્રેશન (કોઇપણ પ્રકારનું) તકલીફ આપે છે. મેં ઘણીવાર સેક્સ કરવાનું જ ટાળ્યું છે અને તેના કારણે મારા સંબંધોમાં સમસ્યાઓ આવી છે. મેં ડૉક્ટરને બતાવ્યું હતું, પરંતુ તેમણે કહ્યું કે મારું ‘ગુપ્ત અંગ’ બરાબર છે તેમાં કોઇ સમસ્યા નથી, પરંતુ હું અસાધારણ મેહસુસ કરું છું. મારું ખતના કરવામાં આવ્યું હતું અને મને લાગે છે કે મને તેની અસર થઇ હશે. પરંતુ તેમણે ફક્ત મારૂં ક્લિટોરલ હૂડ કાપ્યું હતું – તેમણે મારા યોની ને કોઇ નુકશાન પહોંચાડ્યું નહોતું, બરાબર? – ડરેલી ફાતિમા પ્રિય ફાતિમા, સૌ પહેલાં – તમે એ સમજી લો કે તમે જે બધી વાત કરી રહ્યાં છો તે એક સામાન્ય બાબત છે, કોઇ અસામાન્ય બાબત નથી. પેનિટ્રેટિવ સેક્સમાં તકલીફ થવાના પાછળ ઘણા કારણો છે, જેમાં હોર્મોનને કારણે ત્વચા સુકાઇ જવી, વજાઇનલ ઇન્ફેક્શનો, ઇજાઓ અને પેલ્વિક ઇન્ફ્લેમેટરી ડિસીઝ, ફાઇબ્રોઇડ્સ અથવા એન્ડોમેટ્રિઓસિસ જેવી સ્થિતિઓ સમાવિષ્ટ છે. તકલીફ થવા પાછળના બીજા સામાન્ય કારણો છે વજાઇનિસ્મસ (જેમાં પેનિટ્રેશન સમયે વજાઇનલ અથવા પેલ્વિક ફ્લોરના મસલ સંકોચાય છે અથવા દબાય છે) અથવા વેસ્ટિબ્યુલર વલ્વિટિસ (વજાઇનાના ઓપનિંગ આસપાસની નસોમાં બળતરા થવી). આ બાબતો ટ્રૉમા સાથે સંકળાયેલ હોય શકે છે. આ બાબત વિષે વધુ આગળ વાત કરીશું. હું ભલામણ કરું છું કે તમે બીજી એક ડૉક્ટરનો અભિપ્રાય લઇ જુઓ. ઘણા ડૉક્ટરો સેક્સ્યુઆલિટીની બાબતમાં નિખાલસ હોતા નથી અને તેના પરિણામે તેઓ તેમના મૂલ્યાંકન પૂરતા ઉંડાણપૂર્વક કરતા નથી. એવા કોઇ ડૉક્ટરને મળો જેમને સેક્સ સંબંધી મુશ્કેલીઓનો અનુભવ ધરાવતા હોય. આ મુદ્દા વિષે વધુ જાણવા માટે હું Episode One of the Bodies Podcast ને સાંભળવાની ભારપૂર્વક ભલામણ કરું છું. ખતના અને તમારી પીડા વચ્ચેની લિંક સંબંધી તમારા પ્રશ્નની વાત કરીએ તો, ખતનામાં વજાઇનાને બદલે ક્લિટોરલ હૂડને અને ક્યારે ક્લિટોરિસને પણ કટ કરવાનું સમાવિષ્ટ છે. તેમ છતાં, એવા સંશોધન છે જે સૂચવે છે કે આ કટની સેક્સ્યુઆલિટી પર અસર થાય છે: વર્ષ 2017માં સહિયો દ્વારા કરવામાં આવેલા એક સર્વેમાં 35% ઉત્તરદાતાઓએ જણાવ્યું હતું કે ખતના ની તેમના સેક્સ જીવન પર અસર પડી હતી, 87% લોકોએ એવું મેહસુસ કર્યું હતું કે તેની તેમના પર નકારાત્મક અસર પડી હતી. વર્ષ 2018ના WeSpeakOutના અભ્યાસમાં આશરે 33% ઉત્તરદાતાઓએ તેવી જ પ્રતિક્રિયા આપી હતી. તેમાં પીડા, ટ્રિગર અને ટ્રૉમાનું વર્ણન કરતા કેટલાક પ્રશ્નો (પેજ 47-60)ને વાંચવાની હું ભારપૂર્વક ભલામણ કરું છું – તે તમારી સમસ્યા સાથે સુસંગત હોય શકે છે. ટ્રૉમા એ આ અનુભવનો સામનો કરવાની આપણી ક્ષમતા અને સમજને કચડી નાખતી માનસિક તણાવવાળી આ ઘટનાનું એક પરિણામ છે. મોટા ભાગના સર્વાઇવરો જણાવે છે કે ખતના એ એક માનસિક તણાવવાળો, ગૂંચવણભર્યો અને પીડાદાયક અનુભવ છે જેમાં ક્યારેક ઇનકાર, આ બાબત માટે આપણે પોતે જ જવાબદાર હોવાનો વિશ્વાસ અપાવવો અથવા આપણાં વડિલો, ભરોસાપાત્ર સંબંધીઓ દ્વારા ખોટું બોલવું એ નોંધપાત્ર રીતે સમાવિષ્ટ હોય છે. હું કહીશ કે ખતના એ ટ્રૉમાની વ્યાખ્યામાં ફિટ થાય છે. આપણાં મન અને શરીર ક્યારેક પરોક્ષ અથવા ગૂંચવણભરી રીતે ટ્રૉમાને પકડી રાખે છે. મારો કહેવાનો અર્થ શું છે તે જાણવા માટે આ કોમિકને જુઓ. મને લાગે છે કે આપણાં ગુપ્તઅંગ માં ખતનાને લીધે તાણ આવી શકે છે. આ રીતે ખતનાએ તમારા પર અસર કરી છે કે કેમ તે જાણવા માટે ટ્રૉમાનો અનુભવ ધરાવતા થેરાપિસ્ટ સાથે વાત કરો. ફાતિમા, હું તમને જણાવવા માંગુ છું કે આ સમસ્યામાંથી બહાર નીકળવું અને સાજા થવું સંભવ છે. તમને આનંદદાયક સેક્સવાળુ જીવન જીવવાનો પૂરો અધિકાર છે! – માસી માસી ઉર્ફ ફરઝાના ડૉક્ટર ફરઝાના એ એક નોવેલિસ્ટ અને પ્રાઇવેટ પ્રક્ટિસમાં સાયકોથેરાપિસ્ટ છે. તેણી WeSpeakOut અને ‘એન્ડ એફ.જી.એમ./સી. કેનેડા નેટવર્ક’ની એક સ્થાપક સભ્ય છે. તેણીને સંબંધો અને સેક્સ્યુઆલિટી વિષે વાત કરવી ગમે છે! તેણી વિષે તમે www.farzanadoctor.com પરથી વધુ માહિતી મેળવી શકો છો. તેમની નવી નોવેલ સેવનને અહીં ઑર્ડર કરો, જેમાં દાઉદી બોહરા સમાજના સંદર્ભમાં બૈરાઓના સંબંધો, સેક્સ્યુઆલિટી, બેવફાઇ વિષે વાત કરવામાં આવી છે. ઘોષણા: ફરઝાના સંપૂર્ણ રીતે સારી સલાહ આપતી હોય, તે છતાં આ કોલમ દરેક વ્યક્તિની અંગત ચિંતાઓનું સંબોધન કરશે નહીં અને તેનો વ્યાવસાયિક મેડિકલ અથવા સાયકોલોજિકલ સંભાળની અવેજી રૂપે ઉપયોગ કરવામાં આવવો જોઇએ નહીં. Read the English version here, and the Hindi version here.